Just for Shits and Giggles

My Aunt Shelly sent this to me and it made me laugh......

* Excerpts from a Dog's Diary*
8:00 am - Dog food! My favorite My favorite!
9:30 am - A car ride! My favorite My favorite!
9:40 am - A walk in the park! My favorite My favorite!
10:30 am - Got rubbed and petted! My favorite My favorite!
12:00 pm - Lunch! My favorite My favorite!
1:00 pm - Played in the yard! My favorite My favorite!
3:00 pm - Wagged my tail! My favorite My favorite!
5:00 pm - Milk bones! My favorite My favorite!
7:00 pm - Got to play ball! My favorite My favorite!
8:00 pm - Wow! Watched TV with my people! My favorite My favorite!
11:00 pm - Sleeping on the bed! My favorite My favorite!

*Excerpts from a Cat 's Diary*
Day 983 of my captivity.
My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets. Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength. The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape.

In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet. Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates what I am capable of. However, they merely made condescending comments about what a 'good little hunter' I am. Bastards!

There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of 'allergies.' I must learn what this means, and how to use it to my advantage. Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow -- but at the top of the stairs.

I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches. The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released - and seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded. The bird has got to be an informant. I observe him communicate with the guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. My captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is safe....For now.......

Tito and I never understood "cattitude" until we began living with a cat. It is hilarious how different they are from dogs. Berry Pebbles wants nothing more from this world than our love and approval....while Buffy the Vampire Slayer has never done anything in an attempt to gain our approval....in fact I think from her point of view we work for her approval. Case in point.....Berry Pebbles will immediately respond to the command "come" with a wagging tail and a willingness to follow us anywhere......while Buffy the Vampire Slayer is just as likely to show you her ass in response to such a command.....though she will "come" on occasion when called, demonstrating she understands the command but mostly chooses to flip you the finger. They both, however, respond to the shaking of the treat jar with equal enthusiasm.

Hope: Not so Much

I thought teaching would feel good. I mean, one doesn't do it for the money, so the inherent reinforcement is that it feels good to be a part of passing knowledge on to a future generation right? Students excited about learning and experiencing the world around them is supposed to invoke feelings of being a part of some kind of essential rite of passage. I thought I would be be inspired by the future of America. I was wrong. So very wrong.

Student: I am not doing well in your course because you make us learn material you don't test us over. Can I do extra credit?

Me: Of course you are required to learn material that doesn't show up on the test. Welcome to college. There is no planned extra credit but there will probably be a couple opportunities to get a few extra points here and there, but nothing that will significantly inflate your grade. You have to earn your grade, there is no easy way around doing the work and learning the material.

Student: That just isn't fair. You treat me differently than everybody else. You don't want me to do well.

Me in my head: You are right. I want you to fail.

Hope: Day 91

I wish I could curl up in a ball and go back to bed...it is just that kind of day.

What does that even mean???

Weather forecast for Hamiltowne Castle and surrounding digs:

"Conditions will allow a COLD FRONT through the BACK DOOR......."

How does a cold front get through the back door? Where is the back door, and why is the front cold? Sounds awkward, and frankly, downright uncomfortable.



My thanks to Dr. Duke who inspired this post by expressing her adament disapproval of the words "back door" being used to descirbe anything other than, say, an actual back door.

Hope: Day 87

On April 16, 1943 Dr. Albert Hoffman discovered LSD in Switzerland after he "accidentally" ingested some and then had to ride his bicycle directly home due to the ensuing hallucinations. After confirming his experience with an "intentional" dose of LSD, he published a scietific report of the events. Seriously. That is how it happened.